first love fustration

SCAR is not olweiz bad of having., it sumtimes reminds us of not how
painful it is to be wounded but how we got wounded and healed. I got
one, let me show it to you.

It was on my high school days when i noticed this funny little
feeling.Its crazy, kinda..tickling. I got to know a young beautiful
girl. Shes this innocently brilliant shy girl.

As time passes we become friends, ..unexpectedly close friends, but ..were open, .I dont know., basta sumthing like that,

..from sharing notes,thought, stories ..bout our experiences,
and..everything , we end up exchanging poem. fOr threE years almoSt, we
have shared everything exept for OnE thing ..feeling.

days, mos., yeaRs passed.It was fast, fast enAf that it didnt let me think of a happy ending for my last story..

iT was daRk, gloomy lights and noise of of graduation ball have
done nothing to cheer me up. I Thougt it was the glitters but I notice
iT was water in the corner of my eyes bein strucked by the lights, that
provoked the feeling.

aFter some seconds, painful words get in to my ears "..im leaving to
california" i smiled and gave her my last story "its not done yet"..i
said(that was the title also) ,it took a couple of mins, she looked at
it, gave it back to me and said "please have it ended" .and leave

..fRom then on, I havnt heard of anything bout her. mY world doomed, numb and dull my life went on..

I know its way too late to tell her "iM tired of bein your friend,
wud you be my girl?" .while giving the last letter., ..that,
unknowingly iv been practicing in one corner of my mind.

nEver imagined how a soft, crazy, sweet, funny feeling wud be bItter an painful,sharp enaf to leave me wounded.

i jUst woke up one day and realized tHat God gave me someone two
years ago to heal my wound and to turn it into a scar, a mark that now
seemed to be a word "joice " the girl who swept me off my feet..

i know sumday, she wil be reading this ..now that the story already ended, ..now that its done..

van

 

Very seldom you’ll be meeting someone who will impress you.

I did, keep her.. And lose her in the end.sad one.

Fast food is a place of good food, fast service and nice crews

..But for me? it is where I met the person who impressed me. That’s where I met her.

I was eighteen then when I began waking up to go to work. Quality, quick moving crews, fake smiles etc. are the things one will usually see and feel in the workplace, but I found something else..

I found myself thinking of this young lady who manages to go to school and go to work despite of stress. a girl who doesn’t know the meaning of weary and tiredness. someone who keeps a kind of power somewhere within. an energy that i felt and ’somewhere’ that I would like to know. Intriguing.

so i began learning things about her. “There’s something bout you i would like to know” i said, she smiled and that’s how the story begin. A pretty familiar feeling aroused. I started to walk beside her, counted several months and the offer was accepted. There are lots of thing we have shared and being on the usual ups and downs, I begin to know her and I began seeing a beautiful person in her.

A very understanding, loving, caring and..sum1 who’s giving up everything for me is who i found i am welcoming to my life. I haven’t met one before. I was

thankful for everything but i can feel something, a guilt. I have loved somebody who made me promised to myself I’m going to look for myself and and will be back to love her. That’s where the sin is. I was thinking that what’s happening is just a part of the plan, engraved in my mind. Scarred in my heart.

But, something was telling me something.I can feel the warmth of her hug, security on her shoulder and i can taste sweetness of her smile. it erases everything, the voice that says “don’t worry”.Someone came to erase the scar.

As you grow up you’ll find unbelievable things. Bout yourself. some are good some are not. Family, work, future and girls are all what’s on my mind. Different ideas are travelling so fast as i try to catch the time while i do the pantry, attend to the beeping fryer in the kitchen, bread some chicken and everything. fast-food. Among all of these multitasking and fast food requirements, one had been my favorite, to smile.

The store moving so fast slows down as i glance at her and feel a smile somewhere within. very comforting. Then, the ache strikes again, till i get home and feel her hug. Without her, everything is pain and confusion.

Being on the usual ups and downs, our relationship climbs up to the next levels. Still what I see is a beautiful soul. I have realized an addiction, pretty earthly but it was all welcomed and fed. She is amazing. I know what’s happening, i like it. but something really bothers me, what about this thing I can’t take off my mind? and why cant I? I know what I want..but do i know who

Am i? With all of the info bout life and me moving in my mind..do i know what can i do?

This confusion attracts the nightmare. I don’t know myself yet. Realizing something bout yourself brings pain. But that’s who you are, got to have to accept it before you can change it. What’s the unacceptable is, having someone affected by this.

It breaks my heart to see her crying as i tell the truth about what happened with me and someone who happened to be my other self. she is dark, she can get what she wants. Pretentious, that’s how she project at least. I was blinded. Who would know she can make me cross the borderline and shot me from there. I didn’t know she can. I was all confused. I just woke up, and she’s there feeding my addiction.

she was a girl who happened to be the best one, one can ever have as a friend, friend is how she calls it. Friendship is what we have. she is the other me. Well I believed. She was there, from the beginning of the story. “a true friend is a friend who can stab you in front”. When I look at the mirror, she was in there and said “you don’t know yourself yet” ..not verbally.(this part is a bit confusing but it was about a girl who happened to be my best who unknowingly want something unwanted to happen) angels and devils by dishwalla is my favorite song.but angels are not for devils, i know. for many reasons an angel can’t stay with a devil. but what’s this?I can feel a beautiful soul by my side; I can feel she is there. A soul so broken.Who is coming back to be fixed.

I am the eldest among my siblings. I have a sense of being responsible somehow.

A devil with a sense of responsibility is what I am. and, this time, i know I am responsible for fixing a broken heart. After everything that I have done, of all that happened, she welcomed me back with all of her heart. For another year, I’ve been a good one. Gently and gradually, i tried to heal the wounds I caused. Together we tried to bring back the old times. I hope to end the story ends here.

“Reality bites” ..and it hurts, for someone who can endure the pain..life is real.

That’s what i like about her. She lives in a real world, she knows what she wants, she knows how to love.. She knows herself. I adore her. I love her.

Why did I hurt such a good heart? i said. Clearly, there is no problem with her. its with me that i have to resolve. This is a kind of a long process, and as you find yourself, u will be hurt.. Many will be hurt. but with me? there is one thing i pretty sure of.. I’m going to find myself but I cannot let myself see her crying again. I remembered a promise the time we were both crying, when i shook my head on her shoulder and water came out of my eyes and fell on the ground. Water that made a promise sprouted.

“I’ll never let this things happen again”.

For more than two years she have never shown any weariness, I haven’t heard what i was expecting.”I’m tired of you”. That’s what she was, the first time i met her in KFC. A girl who doesn’t how to get tired of anything. Someone who keeps a power within. Someone who knows how to love so deeply and use its power to change a life. I was changed by her. But I know, I need to know a lot of things about me first. I need to know how to find myself and to love myself so I can love her back. “If you love a person you should know how to set her free”.

Good life

Pen rubbing against the paper. Clock ticking. Sounds. Words running, bouncing at every wall of my mind. Me, being with myself.
I just went out and had my dinner. Saw only few people in the street. Went back and puff some "lights."
What a lovely night. I can feel the satiety, a body satisfied by my favorite tapsilog. Yawning and stretching, relieving my muscles reminded me of a good life, over this cold night.
Summarizing. Pretty much what happened today is ordinary. Same day, same pressures, same worries, same me. I remember, being ordinary is what scares most of American youngs, just like how birds hate scarecrows. But out of this ordinary scene, I guess I’m omitting something.
I always feel that Im being left behind. I always feel na wla akong nararating. I sometimes feel the word “success” nags me. A pressure.
I took a deep breath , right at the point where I cant take more air, I hold my breath. I see an immense number of pictures flashing though. Natigilan ako, then I smile, breathing out.
Worries can make you overlook things you should be thankful of. This night makes me realize that success doesn’t mean financial triumph, a title or position.. or an elevated social status.
Sometimes success comes in small things. Small things from few people who make me realized I’m successful in some ways, especially.. by having them. Small things that mean a lot for me,
Out of ordinary day, out of ordinary people and out of ordinary friends you’ll get to know a one in a million. In this world where people come and go, time and situation filter the million into a few. Just like this night who revealed those few in the street who stayed up out of thousands of passersby by day. Millions into a few through the screening process of adversity.
Out of this few that I have, someone said, “sino ba cla? Employer lang sila”. A strong thought from someone who knows that friendship is a more permanent concept than a title, a position or a job. Im not lucky for having a decent job but for having a friend who is one in a million. He is pretty much an advisor, a boss, “utangan”, “kainuman”, “barkada”..but is best described by the word friend. Bob. A person who never elevate himself, someone worth looking up to. That’s Bob. A super down to earth humble friend who, in front of bottles of redhorse, I celebrate the thing I have overlooked with. A good life.

Insomia

I am sick.I didn't know. It all started when my body clock changed..well, because of TP. I cant blame my job now, so I blame it on coffee,("hey! what did you do to me?").I then wanted to get rid of it..found it hard, I did it gradually.., the the sweets, chocolates and late night movie-watching. It may have helped somehow but not to the point of having the ability to sleep so soundly. Well, staying up is totally fine for me, I love night, I'm just sick and tired of ineffective sugar-rush in the morning to keep me up. I cant help it. The sun is hurting my eyes, my eyelids become so heavvvy. I want to enclose myself somewhere dark, so I can rest, for years.


Ive got a disease, its chronic and its becoming severe. Now, Im just waiting for a more severe and obvious symptoms, the lengthening of my fangs, becoming mysterious and becoming totally handsome.. oh forgive me, I just feel tat it requires becoming one . I dont know but vampire movies caught my regular late night movie-watching. Im starting to realize that I really liked them, love them from a worth-a-watch movie thought.


They, one night, came into my imagination before I realized they found a shelter. Enchanting as the night, their eyes, strong personality, belief and attitude I found irresistible. Charismatic. So modern now.
I noticed the"why cant I sleep" question has gone. I close my eyes and clear my mind. I felt something, an attachment. Bond. Life. Brotherhood. Then saw something. It was there.
A mass hysteria I figured I didn't resist joining. I'm one. Ive been. I just realized it.

My Most Unforgettable Experience

"Don, katayin mo nga yung dumalaga natin". I hesitated it though it wasn't my first time to dress/butcher a live chicken but my father told me so, so I had to. I had to prepare it for dinner.


Almost every morning I throw a hand-full of rice grains at our the backyard to feed our chicken. I love to see those young little chicks feeding with their mother Hen. Each of them pecking every grain they see. It was nice to see them growing up though I would like to see them remain as young chicks as they are.
Among those little chicks I had one favorite. The one which was so "makulet" and mabait and cute.


Time came, they were all grown up and about to be sold. When a buyer comes, I choose which one to be sold and intentionally, I had my favorite one left.


My father may have noticed that we have one left and we had nothing for dinner. Its been quite a long time since our last 'native-chicken tinola', so he uttered, "don, katayin mo yung dumalaga natin".


I really hated the fact that I have to kill and slaughter my favorite chicken, but I cant do anything, they were all expecting for a delicious tinola by dinner.


It wasnt hard to catch my favorite chicken coz it was "mabait". After my hundreds of apologies to it, I had my little brother clip the wings as I grab the feet and hold it a little up-side down. The edge of the knife hasnt touched the neck of the chicken yet but my eyes were becoming itchy and feels like a pail of water wants to come out of it.


I dont want to be scolded by my father, so I just closed my eyes as I gently began making a slit on its neck . Its blood started dripping down the bowl and along is my pail of tears. It was followed by another hundreds of apologies, followed by a goodbye. I covered its head by putting it underneath its wings.


I set it aside as I prepare a boiling water where the chicken will be soaked to dress it. I prepared the ingredients as waited for the water to boil.


When the water is done, I went back to get the chicken to soak it, but to my surprise! the chicken was GONE!!!! I dont have any idea as to who took the chicken. I asked anyone possible if they happen to see who took the chicken from the kitchen, but to my dismay, none of them had any idea. We all started looking for it anywhere possible but we all failed.


After a moment, I hear a chicken crowing a little coarse, then I hear my little sister saying" kuya may manok duon sa likod" I then saw my chicken feeding like it was before.


I didn't know what to feel, my chicken is somewhat saying " This might be the last time I will make you laugh"


Ohh..

My Most Embarrassing Experience

My Most Embarrassing Experience

"HUuuUMANAaaaaAY!!!!!!!!!!", a call from the quadrangle of our school. We all know the drill and with less than a minute, there we are, all lined up, right at the center of the quadrangle with our corpse commander in front. A single call that makes the quadrangle filled with junior and senior robots, I mean studes saying "hop, hoe!" hop, hoe "left, ryt" left, ryt!".


I was a senior student then, old enough for the drills, but young enough to experience the most embarrassing experience of my life. Let me tell you more about that...


We had a subject called PMT (puppet military training), I mean, Preliminary Military Training. When
the clock hits 5, the HUuuMANAAAaaaY!!! will be heard and the juniors and seniors will come rushing
to where Mr. Huuumanaay is, lining up into platoons. Every platoon has their own Puppeteer ( I mean Officer), checking the attendance before they start yelling their lungs out!..


For an hour, we will be practicing the, "patakda, na!" where we suppose to start walking like robots 
and the "pulutong, hinto!" where we should stop walking and stand fixed without a single motion. At times, we will be toy soldiers carrying a riffle saying "hop, hoe!" " hop, hoe" and will turn right or left
with our remote controll yelling "harap sa kanan, harap!" or "harap sa kaliwa, 'rap!". All these, in a snappy rhythmic cadence, otherwise, youll hear the "give me two weeks" and that's 14 push-ups, or "three weeks!" for 21 , or more. Same punishment for lousy, unprepared, "pasaway" ,etc.


So there was I, one of the robots who cant even scratch his *****( because of punishment that could bring shame after the session), hearing all the yelling and doing all the robot thing. But before that, let me go back just a bit...


Earlier that day, I was having trouble with my belt buckles( the hinge is kind of broken) and loose pants. My mother told me, "sa sunod an tayo bili anak, pwede pa yan". Well, I can do nothing but to convince myself with" Be happy with what you have".


Huumanaaay!! and the campus is clouded with dust after the sound of thousand Horse's feet. I was there standing among the robots of platoon Alpha (for cute guys..hehe), worrying about my broken buckles and loose pants. Well, it wasn't long before I have forgotten about that "anxiety" because someone has brightened-up my day^^,. That cute girl on the girls platoon Ive been eying..^^


At the middle of the session, our officer may have noticed that we were doing good so we were given 4 mins to quench and fix ourselves. Right at that moment, the girls platoon is right at our back, which I haven't noticed bytheway. " Men!! you got 4 mins to quench and fix yourselves, tuck your clothes in emman!". " Now, harap sa likod, 'harap!"


We were just waiting for the signal "Go!" to get the 4 mins "rest" started, when my buckles gave up and my loose pants fell-off.( Jan pu nagunaw ang mundo ko mga kapuso). I was there, with my pants down, FACING the platoon of girls.


My blood came rushing-up from my feet all the way up to my head " na parang sasabog sa kahihiyan!!" as the girl Ive been eying is right in front of me who cant seem to look anywhere down my chest..haha!!
I later realized it all happened because I wasn't wearing my lucky brief^^( or should I say, I wasnt wearing any brief....but boxer) ..haha!!


We became friends after..hehe..

Sessio

Me and my drink on the floor, in front of my machine. 'm lookin at and thinking bout these people around me, they seemed to be balls of fire on diff hues, boasting a lame flame hiding a strong flame. I'm getting tipsy. I like this. Its calibrating my sense. Their recorded words are reverberating. I'm extracting the meaning. Uncloaking the connotation.Very rediscovering.


Tonight is yet another careful evaluation of how I'm gonna deal with these people. Real and Fake. Goodnight.